I dedicate this blog to my Eternal King, for what He has done for me.
I thank my darling husband, my beautiful children and my precious grandchildren. To all the beloved that encourage me. They have shown me that I have succeeded.
To those who are ill and suffering, I pray that Elohim touches you and heals you in the Awesome Name of Yeshua.
It took all that I could find in me to share this.
I am writing a true life personal experience and hope this writing will bless you and give you insight. I have been diagnosed with serious ongoing depression. With an unknown condition.
Serotonin is made in the intestines and cannot be absorbed by the brain via the blood, instead it is converted by a transmitter tryptophan and then absorbed into the brain.
I would like to say before I write further, that I have gone through forgiveness and there is no unkind harm meant towards any person.
As a young child, I was aware of the struggles I was going through and that people who were a part of my life did not portray any of my difficulties. I just never gave up. I was under pressure to perform, had a very sad childhood, did that make me depressed? I don’t know, because there is something anatomical that is not correct. I feel, my coping skills dwindle especially in a social environment. I have not found one Professor, Physician, Psychiatrist, or any specialist in Medical Science who remotely have come near to any recognition of this chronic illness. I have more complications than just depression. I am 60yrs old and only now am I starting to understand what my body is telling me.
I have had three serious falls, all impacting my head. Did it cause damage? I am not sure, but no test is available to diagnose this condition. There is so little known about the intricate, delicate and complex functions of the brain; the “headquarters of the body.” It also affects the function of my physical body and presents as stomach ache, nausea, lack of appetite and abnormal anxiety. Could it be chemical, neurological, hormonal insufficiency, dysfunction or trauma? I don’t know.
Ephesians 1 : 22 – 23 And He put all under His feet, and gave Him to be head over all, to the assembly, 23 which is His body, the completeness of Him who fills all in all.
Can you imagine the body with no head. It’s simply useless. So therefore to be whole, we also need to have the function of the brain.
My symptoms that I personally am experiencing, are described herewith. I can’t concentrate and my memory is poor. I have never been able to hear an entire story if it got slightly involved. I cannot absorb loud noises and I get very dizzy. I have terrible pain in the head, I feel like my skull is being pressured on both sides until it feels as though it pours out liquid. This is without the medication; tearfulness anxiety and nervousness until I feel so nauseous and my stomach aches. On top of that I have to force feed due to lack of appetite. My sleep is affected. Then the blood pressure elevates much. I cannot cope with vast amounts of information or tasks; I have to take it steps at a time. Some activities I am not able to do, because it wears out my coping skills and I am saving those skills for smaller important skills. Confidence is so hard to attain.
So what happens emotionally, I can’t take pressure or demands. I feel incredibly lonely, desperate and I cry tears until my shirt is wet. You cannot understand the anxiety of not being able to cope. Normal tasks begin to be enormous and I don’t cope. It seems to me that normal people have steel emotions, that when the simple stones hit them, they don’t notice it. They are in coping and processing mode. Whereas my emotions are like thin tissue and don’t absorb impact of stones and really cause extreme pain; such as trying to cope with everything. “Stones” are a type of work load anything up to simple tasks. Remember that I am describing how it feels. I had a very precious neighbour who moved in next door and after months of getting to know her, I opened up with her that I struggle hugely with depression. She then related to me of how much she knew all about depression. She shared how her husband had to be boarded from his full-time workplace, as his depression was affecting his work ability. While he was at home, he loved walks on the beach and even a bit of fishing. That was his least enjoyment until, that started to become too much. Please note he was seeing a psychiatrist and being medicated. He started to just sit in the couch in the lounge and stare out of the lounge window. He would sit alone day after day as she had to work. She said after a few years she noticed the chair he loved was beginning to wear out; even the place where his head was too. I felt their pain.
Social environments are an open door waiting for my nerves to be stripped. So when I have a feel good day which are few, I am able to go to the shop with my darling husband. Remember I am talking about how it feels. I cannot drive anymore as I find traffic unbearable and too complicating. I feel left behind with this condition.
So I cannot absorb impact and I can’t process pressure, it breaks me. I have so often been a target for being different. Adults have passed abusive comments. For eg. as a child I was told I was lazy and seeking attention. Some say don’t be so difficult. You don’t pay attention. You don’t study hard. I experience a lot of advice, about what others think. You don’t eat healthy food. What does your doctor think. Socialise – don’t become a stranger. You look perfectly well to me. How come you said yes you will visit and then you don’t arrive. Ouch!!!!! I have been compared with my family and others. I get unkind jokes about depression. I have been laughed at but I think that comes from a person who does not know how to deal with illnesses. I feel pressured to perform and I disappoint some. I know so many mean well and care incredibly and I have many who encourage me.
Loneliness breaks and crushes the soul.
I have tried to wean myself off anti depressant at least three times with the doctor’s permission, the set-backs make me feel so sick in the brain and all mechanisms start packing in.
Biblical suffering and characters.
The Bible does not use the word “depression” it is often used in similar words, “downcast” “broken-hearted” “troubled” “despairing” and “mourning”
1 Kings 19:4 But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a broom tree, and prayed that he might die, and said “It is enough! Now, YHWH, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!”
Elijah was asking God to take his life, did God take Elijah’s life? No. In fact Elijah was caught up on golden chariots and horses into heaven.
Job also asked God to take his life. As we read, Job becomes so prosperous.
David was constantly fighting, running and had times of depression.
Psalm 42:11 Why are you depressed, O my being? And why are you restless within me? Wait for Elohim: for I shall yet thank Him, the deliverance of my face, And my Elohim.
What has this condition done for me positively? To be so sensitive to the needs of others. To hear Abba’s voice more clearly. To see situations better so you can pray for others. Makes you more bold . It brings courage, strength, knowledge, understanding and wisdom. To walk with a servant heart. Moulds you, makes you to be a vessel for God. You go through the furnace of His refining and I hope daily that He can see His face in me.
Image: The Potter’s Wheel Abstract art Chayel Hall